Futility

I don't sleep much for a fair amount of the time, especially recently, I have issues switching my brain off and have recently been forced to watch crap TV in the early hours of the morning (which is much harder to do now there are all these Quiz shows which provide no entertainment whatsoever) and scouring the internet for crap to distract my mind from thoughts.

Thoughts I don't really like thinking as they ain't exactly jolly little scamps that where they to be metaphors would be sugar canes, lovable street urchins and horny unicorns. Were they to be a metaphor these thoughts would probably most resemble the character Case from the book Neuromancer (brilliant book I advise all to read it) especially at the beginning of said book where his life is worthless and he is partaking in every self destructive action possible etching out an existence in the shadowy underworld that is leading to his inevitable death.

The comparison with that fictional character isn't fluke as most of said thoughts are about how I'm etching out my existence towards my inevitable death. Now unlike Case I'm not bringing death upon myself and out to destroy me (least I don't think so), but I have started dwelling on things that are fairly morbid as I struggle to get my life on line.

Now I might be retrospectively screwing with myself but it seems to me now that I never really had a care. I went through school, got to university never bothered with a social life particularly as I ain't that socially confident plus it seemed a bit pointless. Most stuff seemed pointless, the goal laid out before me was to get into University which wasn't that challenging for me as I am not unclever. I never really thought about if I wanted to go into university, what I wanted to do, I played it all by ear. Go to university, get a good graduate job, earn money to be comfortable then die. That was it for me, the grand scheme.

Now however I have fallen into the trap of wanting more from my life than to go through the motions until I die. I'm in university purely because going into university was what I was meant to do. I'm doing a subject that interests me, though academia doesn't, I can write an essay, I can read and understand texts. Constantly doing it bores me though, I enjoy seminars, going and talking about stuff, getting contrasting opinions and I enjoy challenging ideas and having mine challenged. Essays and exams do that to a degree but aren't the same. I'm stuck searching for a sense of fulfilment from what I'm doing now and I don't get it. I'm not being challenged and I find myself wasting allot of time doing stuff I shouldn't be rather than working as hard as I could because it seems pointless. Working harder getting better marks won't make it more fulfilling, beyond actually getting a degree I don't really care.

Truth be told getting a degree isn't the most important thing for me sometimes. A fact that worries me allot, I seem to struggle to care about stuff, stuff I feel I should be caring about. Getting a degree is there so I get a graduate job and a nice wage and live comfortably. Getting the degree ain't setting my world alight, I like some of the reading and the political ideas I'm getting and the increased understanding I'm getting from going to lectures and seminars and reading some of the reading but the degree itself seems a bit pointless. I don't know what I'll do afterwards what career I want to go into. The graduate job to comfortable life thing isn't really that appealing. I want to be challenged have a sense of achievement and I couldn't give a fig about living comfortably. Life is finite, always seemed a bit silly going out to make lots of money, enough to live somewhere and eat and that'll do me. I ain't exactly someone who wants for stuff.

Thus I find myself with a very distracting quagmire of thoughts, which is hindering me and my going through things. I have never cared about stuff, I went through life as a reckless youth figuring I'd get through somehow and that nowt would have much of an effect. Now I'm starting to feel that I should be caring about stuff, and prioritising and planning my future. Yet I don't know what I want to achieve. Life seems less futile to me, there is scope for enjoyment and fulfilment and I kinda want to have that though I don't know how to achieve it.

All I do know is that the stuff that logically is of paramount importance to me, getting the degree, getting a well paying job and making money isn't really connected to the enjoyment and fulfilment thing. Been running through those motions for all my life and I don't see a continuation of that pattern achieving more than me making money and being bored.

I don't know what this blog is meant to achieve really, more me trying to get thoughts out onto e-paper as by doing so I'm forcing myself to think em through. It seems I'm eager to be challenged and stimulated mentally. I can no longer cope with being bored all the time, I've been going through my whole life taking fleeting moments of stimulation and enjoyment (most of it coming in recent times, joining Lovely and going to Uni, stimulation in terms of playing devils advocate in Seminars and enjoyment in Lovely meets and knowing Status) but putting it aside as not important in the long run and I can't bring myself to continue with that pattern.

Meh, now I gotta work out what to make with my life now that I have priorities and stuff, all the time while continuing the degree and existence I'm not that fussed on despite knowing its importance. Why do there have to be different types of importance for me to have to juggle so that I can do all the things that are important even though they might conflict.

Also why do I have to go through working out what direction to take my life at the same time as trying to achieve a degree which while isn't hard still requires me to devote some time and effort towards.